Guilt: What is it good for?
by: posted: March 2nd, 2012A friend of mine who is gay recently shared how he felt when he came out of the closet. One of the first changes he noticed was in the way his body felt. He had never realized that he’d spent most of his anxious life breathing shallow breaths. He discovered that most people breathed deeply–from their gut. Learning to be honest with others about who he was freed him from a kind of fear so elemental that it changed every moment of his life.
Most of us have experienced, even if only for a short time, what it is like to feel on edge. Relatively few of us have had to live very long with a fear for our safety or well-being if people found out who we were. Though attitudes are changing, many in our culture still communicate social disapproval of gays and lesbians in ways that are deeply shaming and too-often violent. It is no surprise that those who are called ‘abominations’ experience higher rates of depression and suicide. Being gay can still get one arrested in 29 states, to say nothing of the countries around the world where the legal penalties can include fines, imprisonment, violence or execution. Even where gays and lesbians have more civil rights, it can still be risky to show the slightest degree of public affection–even holding hands or embracing a moment too long.
One warm spring day a few years ago, a good friend and his partner came from out of town to visit me and Kate. Naturally, we decided to hit the beach. As we crossed the railroad tracks at Carkeek park and climbed down the long stairs, we noticed a young couple embracing and gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes. Imagining no one was watching, they stole a quick kiss. “Doesn’t it warm your heart to see people so much in love?” I offered. My friend considered, then said, “Yes, but it will feel warmer when I can feel that safe expressing my own love.”
We all know that guilt can be a destructive force in our lives. When it rules us, we tend to live by fear, and not by love. Living by fear, we risk hurting ourselves and others.
That day at the beach, I felt guilt for forgetting how our culture has turned romantic love into a privilege only some can express. And what about the gay couples who’ve been in committed relationships for years who are denied the legal rights to hospital visitation or tax benefits or family medical leave or inheritance of property?
Feeling that guilt, I re-committed myself to being an advocate for the civil rights of all people. But my guilt motivated me more than that. Even our own denominational statement on human sexuality implores our members to advocate for civil rights for our GLBT brothers and sisters–something our most conservative Brethren tend to ignore. Continue reading »
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